im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I looked at my own cervix.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize