i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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