Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
