I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
