So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
