She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
