Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
