I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
