I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
