the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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