She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We have started to decorate penises.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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