Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
