3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
