i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
