The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
