I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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