I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
