Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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