Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
