i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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