I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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