If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
