Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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