im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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