Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
