She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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