I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
