took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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