Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
