Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
