Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
