I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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