I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
