You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
