I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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