Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just want to make out with him forever
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
