Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
