I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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