going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
