bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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