it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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