I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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