Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
