just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
