my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
