Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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