just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
