apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
