I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize