Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
