god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
