Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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