Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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