Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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