hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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