I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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