Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just cropdusted the office
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize